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Absence Report: Blame It on SBC/Yahoo DSL
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3980 Reads
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 So where the hell have I been? Well, there was the little matter of moving - we're still unpacking, losing important keys and garage remotes and getting to know the neighbors, but that wouldn't account for my being so scarce around here for the past four days.
No, the fact of the matter is, SBC/Yahoo DSL sucks. Not just average-utility-company-type suckage. No, in fact, the entire company is a knock-down, drag-out, 24-karat case of King Kong's dong-sized suck.
Think I'm being melodramatic? Stop here if you bore easily - or sink with me into my tale of woe:
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I've been trying to get DSL hooked up for seven solid days now - starting first with SBC phone service.
Last week, I go online and bang through their web order form. The site fails spectacularly, spitting me out after 10 minutes of painstaking typing and clicking - and returning me to the start page with a cheerful "We'll need some information first!"
The site implodes like this not once, not twice, not eight times, but TWELVE TIMES. I try different browsers, use different identifying data - and after an hour and a half, I throw up my hands and call customer support ...
"Your web site's busted," I complain. "I'd like to order phone service."
No problem she says, and we start the ordering process - a good 20 minutes of Q and A repeating the same information verbally that I had typed into the web form. Almost finished, and she quotes me a price - $16 for 200 minutes a month, instead of the $6 quoted on their site. I point out the lower rate from the site, and she says, "Oh, that's only if you order online."
"No, you don't understand, I can't order online because your site keeps spitting me out of the clickstream before I can complete my order. That's why I'm calling you."
"Well, sir, that rate is only available to people who order online."
"Wait, let me get this straight, you're going to penalize me $120 a year because your website is broken?"
"I'm sorry, sir, but I don't even have the option here of granting you that rate. That's only for people who order online."
"I would be ordering online if I could but your SITE IS ..."
At this point I loosen my death-grip on the receiver and ratchet my vein-popping tone back down to reasonable- customer- who's- just- a- little- frustrated- and- deserves- her- help.
"Okay, well, this doesn't seem to be going anywhere, can I please speak to your supervisor?"
"I'm sorry, sir, there are no supervisors available, and even if there were, they couldn't grant you that rate, it's not in our system."
I press her - come on, you can't be COMPLETELY unsupervised, there must be SOMEONE ... After more back and forth, she finally admits they're "all at lunch" but she'll have one of them call me back in 24 to 48 hours.
Like a slack-jawed, drooling rube waiting for change for his $20 at an abandoned three-card monte table, I believe her and hang up.
And it never happens.
Two days later - the day before we move, I call another SBC clerk, repeat the entire sequence of events to her, and tell her not to bother taking my information, I'll need to speak to a supervisor so that I don't get charged $120 extra a year because their site is about as clear and simple as a twisted Habitrail system hacked together by finals-crazed MIT students on a meth-and-glue-sniffing binge.
Okay, those aren't my exact words. But wonder of wonders, she puts a supervisor on the phone. He says, sure we can let you order at the web rate, and transfers me back to another clerk, who gives me the rate like nothing ever happened.
A sigh of relief but ... they won't let me order DSL until the phone comes online. "Another day or so," they say. So I choke it down, and undertake the Big Move.
After the movers leave, I jump on the cell again - there's no signal to the house. "It'll take a little while longer, sir, but your order is in process."
A day later, I call them back via cell - they insist the line is up and running, and after going room-by-room with phone in hand, I finally find a jack working in the house in a disused "guest bedroom." The one jack they hooked up, out of about a dozen and some of the dead ones are marked with other numbers. I call up, complaining that perhaps they misconnected a side line instead of the main circuit.
"Oh, no, sir, we're responsible only for getting signal to the box, not for the wiring inside the house.
"But I believe you hooked up the wrong circuit at the box, can you check if there are other lines?"
"Well, yes, there were four lines at one point, but we're not responsible for that. We're responsible only for getting signal to the box."
"But if you hooked up four lines before, then you must have control over which line is lit up - can you check to make sure the main circuit is on, and not some fax line or teenager's private phone?"
"Well, we can send someone out to look at your wiring for $125, but other than that, we're not responsible for the wiring inside the house ..."
(Rinse, repeat - I finally hang up after another couple minutes of fruitless haggling.)
Screw it, I'll go buy a wireless phone network and just move on.
Next it's time to order DSL. I try doing it by phone, to avoid the site - but they want $40 a month instead of the $16.95 available online.
So I grit my teeth and log in. Or try to, anyway:
You have to register with SBC.com - again - but to authenticate, you have the option of giving a California driver's license number or your SSN. I opt for the former (which is barely any of their damn business, and the latter is completely off-limits) and the process halts.
The site pops up a notice along the lines of "Check your email for a phone number to call. Call that number from your home phone and follow the instructions EXACTLY ..." (mind you, I'm reading the damn thing at the Starbucks down the street) " ... and you'll be able to authenticate your account and continue with your order. "
Oh, sure, I'll just slip that in between unpacking, getting TV service ordered, soothing the jittery kids, who don't know how to behave in the strange new house, trying to repair things like the busted water cooler and the funky garage door remote, oh and prep for a little housewarming thing with some friends ...
Long story short, I finally get back to calling the number tonight.
The SBC-bot verifies my existence, and gave me a cookie to let me continue logging in. So I log in (at the Starbucks again, of course), go to order DSL at the reasonable introductory rate of $16.95 a month - and get stopped dead in my tracks:
I already own an ADSL modem and an Airport hub but they refuse to take your order unless you order one of their cable modems. The form literally stalls, with a snotty note at the top to the tune of "you cannot proceed until you choose our $50 modem or our $90 hub."
I could scream, but they'd probably kick me out of Starbucks.
So it's desperation, I don't know what, but something pushes me to go ahead and order the modem - just to get hooked up so I can stop driving down the street to the coffee shop every time I want to check my goddamn email. Maybe I can return it for a refund once I'm hooked up, explain it's a mistake, hock it on eBay, take it out to an open field and drop-kick it to silicon splinters.
I choose the "self-install" option, and the system then prompts me, "Please choose an installation date ..." and the first one available is Dec. 27 when ...
wait for it ...
WHEN WE'LL BE OUT OF TOWN.
So the next available installation date after we get back is JANUARY.
By which time my raging case of caffeine addiction will have ramped up to three grande double-shot-espressos just to keep me awake long enough to ask why my service still hasn't been switched on - three weeks after I first tried order it.
Grrrrr.
Back to L.A.-related posts in the morning, I swear.
Nothing so pathetic as an internet junkie, is there? But I can stop any time I like, really I can.
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| Posted by: Mack_Reed on Sunday, December 18, 2005 - 10:33 PM
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