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The Ballad of Dietrich and the Demolished Enzo*
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5469 Reads
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image via LATimes.com |
UPDATE AND BALLAD BELOW
Good morning. Today's chapter of the ongoing Legend of Stefan Eriksson and the Demolished Million-Dollar Ferrari is no less strange than previous ones.
Seems Eriksson's now busted for rear-ending another motorist in January while driving someone else's Cayenne and then driving away.
Once again, the Mysterious Facts Cloud surrounds this chapter - as it has with earlier chapters involving the shadowy Dietrich and the equally shadowy San Gabriel Valley Transportation Authority ...
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The cops won't tell us who did own the Cayenne, merely that they know Eriksson was driving it when he performed the time-honored Los Angeles hit-and-split on a Ford Explorer on Jan. 4 in BevHills. They just give us a knowing wink: The incident occurred more than a month before Eriksson allegedly crashed a red Enzo at 162 mph on Pacific Coast Highway, slamming into a utility pole and slicing the car in half.
Diamond said Eriksson did not own the Cayenne, but authorities linked it to him. Diamond would not elaborate. A manual for that Porsche model was seized during a recent search of Eriksson's home, court records show. UPDATE
Damn it, why hasn't somebody written a song about this case?
Heroes and anti-heroes all deserve ballads - the type that grows with each singing, as people add more and more verses. Hell, the Song of Roland wound up more than 200 verses long by the time everyone got done with it.
I'm thinking something like a punk narcocorrido by Social D. with Dick Dale on guest lead guitar and Damon Albarn on keyboards.
So here's my clumsy first few verses of the "The Ballad of Dietrich and the Demolished Enzo." (And, no, for poetry weenies, it *doesn't* exactly scan, and it's not the right meter for a classical ballad).
It's offered here under our Creative Commons license.
Anybody want to add a verse? Maybe something about the SanGabriel Valley Transportation Authority or the Cayenne incident?
Maybe spin some mythology about that orbital luxury hotel he wasn't designing or his non-membership in the Freemasons or the un-rumored family connection to the Queen or whatever other tale you want to add?
Cut-paste the verses into a comment, and bang away. Anybody with mad ProTools skillz want to write the music and record it? Be my guest.
God knows Eriksson's earned it. If you can post a good enough recording on iTunes, maybe the proceeds could start a legal defense fund.THE BALLAD OF DIETRICH AND THE DEMOLISHED ENZO
His game platform failed cause
the l33t gamers nailed
Gizmondo's sad toy to the wall
But the money's still there so
He's got just enough to spare so
He won't have to beg, steal or crawl
It's cool now, living on venture cap
He grew a taste for exotics and alla that crap
High speed cruise up PCH and he don't need a map for that buzzzzzz ...
He didn't need friends, though
He did love that Enzo
So bright red and wicked and clean
She whispered his name
Filled the hole left where fame
Had deserted his IPO dreams
He said to his friend, "Hey Dietrich, jump in
"Let's open her up, take her out for a spin
Six-hundred horses are horny and want to get into the reddd ...
First gear paddle-shift, hit the gas
Second gear smacks him right in the ass
Third screamin' up to 109 miles an hour
In fourth the palm trees start to blur
Fifth gear hurts but it makes him feel sure that
Sixth gear will give him the ultimate power ...
Chorus (SHOUTED)
Damn you, Dietrich, you SON OF A BITCH!
You jumped out and ran, now they think I pulled a switch!
You hung me out to dry in a Malibu ditch, now I'm hoooooosed
And every day I sit in jail the legend of the Enzo grows.
(backup vocal)
Gizmondo, no Bondo
Gizmondo, no Bondo
Gizmondo, no bondo, etc.
One of two men they say
Wa-as driving that day
When the Enzo took leave of this earth
But at 162,
Physics gave them their due
The car suddenly lost all its worth
P-P-P-Pirellis lose their grip
F-F-F-Ferrari starts to slip
He and D-D-D-Dietrich managed to clip the car clean in two 'gainst a pole ....
Chorus (SHOUTED)
Damn you, Dietrich, you SON OF A BITCH!
You jumped out and ran, now they think I pulled a switch!
You hung me out to dry in a Malibu ditch, now I'm hoooooosed
And every day I sit in jail the legend of the Enzo grows.
(backup vocal)
My Enzo, not my Enzo,
My Enzo, not my Enzo,
My Enzo, not my Enzo, etc. Anyway, it's open-ended and keep in mind, it is at least partly fiction. Embellish from here.
Don't forget - cut-paste the newest version from the comments into your own comment and add to it. Have fun.
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| Posted by: Mack_Reed on Tuesday, May 09, 2006 - 08:58 AM
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